Kim's Bad Movie Index

Apparently Billy is just too lazy to throw
an enormous party, so he complains
when his mother tells him she''s going
away to Acapulco for an undetermined
but long amount of time. As soon as his
mom splits, he takes off to see his
girlfriend Kathy, played by the late
Cheryl "Rainbeaux" Smith (see "The
Legendary Curse Of Lemora"), only he
runs into her crazy grandfather The
Colonel, played with great effectiveness
by Keenan Wynn if you can figure out
through his slurred speech what he is
saying, speaking dreamily of "Operation
Sand Dust".

Billy is off to the gas station, where he meets up with creeps Chuck and Froggy, who
challenge him to a drag race. Billy's van, however, won't start, so he takes off for the
desert in disgust, where he finds a mysterious set of objects. Slipping what appears to
be a penis pump with a turntable attached to it over his arm and naturally brandishing it
like a weapon, he finds out that, when it is combined with a necklace with a large
Christmas light bulb on it, it will blow shit up. Soon he is blasting empty Coke bottles,
shrubbery and cacti into nothingness with glee, (isn't he a little old for this kind of shit?).

Enter a mysterious government agent, "Mr. Craig", played by Gianni Russo of "The
Godfather", who quickly takes over command of whatever situation seems to exist. Kathy
finds Billy at the park on her scooter, and they visit briefly--no time for making out in spite of
the bottle of wine and glasses on the picnic table; there's a birthday party to go to. Kathy
warns him first that " Grandpa's so mad he said next time he sees you he's going to shoot
you on sight." The Yertle the Turtle aliens are seen next on their ship, receiving instructions in
another language from a higher turtle authority concerning Billy Duncan. Mr. Craig checks out
the desert for evidence, finding only scorched earth, so he splits in his tuna boat of a car.
Now it's party time, but apparently there are only hot dogs, cake and soda, instead of beer,
pot and cigarettes. What kind of self-respecting 70's California teens are these? Billy,
meanwhile, is too lazy to even get in the pool in spite of Kathy's prodding. Franny explains to
Kathy that nobody would have come if it weren't for her pool, which is probably true. Next,
when Billy wakes up from his nap, he finds Kathy being molested by Chuck and Froggy and
attempts to beat them away with a wooden tennis racket. A fight ensues, with unlovable loser
Billy getting the business end (and the 75-pound Smith coming in to finish the fight).
Dejected, and cowardly, Billy goes back home to meditate on his newfound powers, making
the hike back to the party to blow up Chuck's car, then wanders home in a daze.

Dr. Mellon tries to send the object to a lab for analysis, but guess who he runs into? Evil Billy,
who promptly blows up his car (you'll notice that when anything explodes in this movie, it
happens five or six times). Mr. Craig is left to pick up the pieces, finding the object in the
burning husk of Dr. Mellon's car. He takes it to the lab, where he finds out that whatever it is,
it's growing, and there's no way to stop it.

Back to our favorite pair of cops, (one last time), who take Billy to the sheriff's office for
questioning on the burnt-car incident and the sore on his chest, but not until after spome
gratuitous polic brutality in the patrol car. Later, the Keystone Cops make a stop for a Coke
and a shit, and get what's coming to them after their attempted Rodney King-ing of out poor
anti-hero. Billy is on the rampage, now permanently in monster form. He's blowing shit up
willy-nilly, the next item on his agenda being Chuck and Froggy's new roadster, then an
airplane.

Mr. Craig is back on Billy's trail, checking in with old military chum The Colonel for a drink at
eight o'clock in the morning, then it's back to the turtle twins, who decide it's time to end Billy's
rampage. But he's not quite done yet. Picked up hitchhiking by a hippie that you can almost
smell, we're treated to perhaps the most breathtaking soliloquy in film history:

"So there I was, a thousand feet straight up, field of frozen yo-yo's, and the string
broke, but I didn't falter. I knew Nirvana was just around the corner. Turned the
corner, ran smack dab into Betty Crocker ridin' across they sky, sayin' ya never
outgrow your need for milk. I looked at her, and I said, 'Baby, you are somethin' else'".

The Oscars are a joke that that guy didn't at least get nominated for Best Suppoting Actor.

Billy blows up the hippy and takes off in the scorched but still running van, in search of more
victims, be they automobiles, buildings, people, it doesn't matter. The twin turtles save the
day, however, blasting Billy into next week.